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Monday, January 24, 2011

Strippergate -Why you should never drink and Tweet.

There isn't a word that a woman can call a man that has the same impact as c@nt. 

We have NO retaliation.  

Early Sunday morning someone called a friend of mine the c-bomb.  

On Twitter.  


This may have not have been such a big deal if said person and friend didn't both have over 56,000 followers each.  


Upon reading the tweets I actually found myself quoting the great Danny Glover - "I'm too old for this shit." I knew it was going to get ugly.... Holy Barbara Streisand, did it ever.  


For the sake of protecting the innocent lets call the 2 main players "Tosh" and "Tuby."  


Tuby and I had been booked to play at the Donkey Wheel house as part of the Midsumma festival. I was singing she was spinning.. (I'm so music biz now)  
Half way through her set Tosh arrived. We'd only met once before however I was well aware of who he was as he had dated a very good friend of mine aaaaaand he's on a very high rating television show. 
He was very pleasant and endeared himself very quickly to me with his self-effacing humour and immense anxiety - A potent combination. 


After Tuby had finished she came over and saw that Tosh was there and they both seemed genuinely happy to see each other. It was my understanding they had been friends for years... They have a few things in common the biggest being they are Australia's token gay and lesbian celebrity groovy kids.  


The decision was made that we should move on to another venue. A strip club was suggested... 


I will pause here to say I had never been to a strip club before in my life. 


They'd always conjured up unappealing visions of green and mustard striped velour couches, sticky floors and women named "Candy" who had seen better days and to whom gravity was no friend... I wasn't excited by the idea however the 3 lesbians and the 3 gay men in our group out voted me. (I really gotta get some heteros in my life eh?)  


Some of you may be asking: "Em! Why didn't you just go home?" Good question. The answer? I was the D.D.P. that night (Designated Dignity Protector) each time we head out someone is assigned the D.D.P role. Tuby has done it for me on other occasions.  


We entered the venue and the woman on the door spotted Tuby and a V.I.P area was quickly arranged..


The interior of the club looked like what can only be described as the Qantas club meets Gold Class meets the inside of Jeannie's bottle... Who knew wing back chairs and Chesterfield couches were popular in the high-end strip club interior design aesthetic?  


We were seated, the gays and I huddled together like babes in the wood.. I honestly didn't know where to look. The strippers were pretty much naked, actually naked... Yes I know IT'S A STRIP CLUB but still- NAKED!  


I decided to just embrace it all and really appreciate what these girls were doing, admire their dedication to their craft. When Miss Pole 2010 came out I was so impressed I almost wept. It was like some sort of magnificent x-rated circ de soleil number. She was performing acts on that pole that truly boggled my mind. Her thighs were all that stood between her and a 4m face plant... AMAZING. 


Also, I feel it would be remiss of me not to address the extremely high personal grooming standards these women have. I did not see ONE hair out-of-place, not ONE tan line, those perspex platforms were clean and shiny - it was a very tight ship ladies and gents make no mistake about it.  


Then a couple of bottles of Champaign arrived.....  


I declined because of my D.D.P. status, I needed to stay sharp. Everyone else (except Tosh) had a glass.  


A short time after that I grabbed Tuby and told her it was time to go. Nothing good can come from 2:30am onwards. Also, I'm a Mother of 2 for goodness sake. I have to be accountable!  
We said our goodbyes and then Tosh jumped up and said: "Hey! My credit card is behind the bar!"  
Tosh has recently become a home owner and is trying to be more money conscious he was just checking he wouldn't be left with a huge bill. We all discussed the best course of action and then Tuby said she had been told the club was "taking care of it" so we all thought everything was sweet.  


APPARENTLY NOT!  


Flash forward to 8:30am Sunday morning and as I feed my children breakfast and regale them with tales of women who can hang off "fireman" poles by their toes, I check my twitter feed and see this from Tosh: 


"So it turns out Tuby ordered $610 worth of Champaign without paying. I have the bill now.Turns out Tuby is a cunt. Surprise!"  


There it is. That big, ugly, can't take back word.  


56,700 people received that tweet..  


So as I was saying. There is nothing Tuby can say back that would equal that word. I understand that he was upset, I would be as well. However, he could have just taken it up with her on the phone. Perhaps penned an angry letter, anything that didn't involve so many people and that word.  


Whhhhhhhy? Tosh Whhhhhhhhhy?  


It's all sorted now, we've all offered to give him money and he declined to take it...  


As Tosh is a talented comedian I'm sure this will give him amazing content for his next show- "Why you should never call someone a cunt on twitter" and he'll joke about it and probably make back the $610 he paid for the Champaign in ticket sales alone. I think he handled the situation appallingly.


I'm exhausted.  


Speak soon.  


E x  


P.S. I am seriously considering taking up pole dancing. I'll just be wearing...You know...Clothes.

















Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Oprah, Eurovision and world domination. Em 2011.

My year off is officially over.

Dear baby Jesus in heaven it went quickly.

I now have to find proper employment. Creatively, spiritually and finacially doing 10 minutes of television a week just 'aint going to cut it anymore.

Yes I have my children however as Miranda pointed out to Charlotte in the only decent piece of dialogue to come out of the flaccid Sex and the City 2 movie: "Being a Mother, for me, just isn't enough". To be fair there was another line in that movie which I quite enjoyed. Samantha proclaiming: "He can be Lawrence of my labia" but I digress.

Yep. I need more. If left to my own devices I turn all my creative energy into negative actions (spot the woman who's been to intensive counseling).

The only problem is... I'm not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I have a vague idea that involves Playschool, Eurovision and Oprah but other than that I am lost. 

I'm not really qualified to do anything except think fast on my feet, talk and wear false eyelashes. 

I don't even have a current resume. So I am sticking with what I know. 

I made a few (God forgive me for writing this) resolutions.... I know, I know, I'm sorry but that's what they are. I have decided to tell you all so that I can't hide from them. I'll leave it to you to harass me throughout the year if I appear to be deviating from the course (Feel free to leave me yours in the comment section and I will do the same for you.)

1. Sing more. - Happy to announce my first proper gig is happening on the 16th of Jan at the Mid-Summer carnival at Birrarung Marr. I'm on stage at 12:45 singing 4 songs with my guitarist. Just covers to start with, we have re-arranged Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse, Pink and Tina Turner. Please, if you can come down to support me I would most appreciate it. 

2. Get on the big kids table at the 7pm project - This is a tough one. I want one shot at the desk, not anything fancy like what the amazing Carrie Bickmore does, just a spot down the end. When Dave's having the night off. 

3. Attempt (I am shaking as I write this) stand up comedy... I am not a comedian, I do not think I am funny, I just like telling stories.. I thought I'd get up and tell a few. Weird shit happens to me, a lot. I thought others may find said weird shit amusing.

4. Take Acting classes - I'm hoping this will help me as a performer and help me let go of the crap that causes anxiety before I take to the stage or camera. I enrolled today in the beginners Meisner Technique course. Once a week for 8 weeks, I'm nervous but excited. 

5. Write a short book. I've been wanting to do this for a while now however my rampant dyslexia had always scared me away. In the end I thought I just need to find a really good editor to do all the heavy lifting.

6. Finish writing my one woman cabaret show. It's almost done, I just need Michael Lucas (Click here for Gays of Em's life reference point) to stop being so busy with "Offspring" and his new movie starring Ryan Kwanten (subtle plug) to help me perfect it.

7. Get back onto the radio - I think, out of everything, it's what I do least badly..

I will share something with you all now. 

I probably shouldn't. It makes me sound like a massive wanker. 

Only Michael Lucas knows this... (Yes I refer to him with both names in real life as well)

I am on the Oprah timeline. (I thought if I made it small it wouldn't look as bad)

I am acutely aware that she was my age when she started on cable. 

Eventually I wish to dominate the talk show world. I will be a mixture of Graham Norton, Dame Edna and Tony Martin. I have already spoken to Channel 31 about the campest talk show in the world... It could be happening. The big O started small, I must also. BUT IT MUST BE NOW!! Oh the pressure..

I'm aware this may be the most self indulgent piece of writing you've ever had to get through but let's move on from that! I had to put it all out there. 

Now the year of Em begins... Yes that's right, I just wrote "The year of Em".

Be bold this week kids.

E x

P.S - I am reading another fantastic book. It's called "A fraction of the whole" by Steve Toltz... I know I am a little late of the mark with this one and a lot of you have probably read it however if you haven't.. DO IT.