Take yourself back to high school... I'm very sorry if this reduces you to a shaking mess in the corner, hold my hand and we'll get through it together..
It doesn't matter which clique you belonged to, from Mathlete to Goth you will have an example of what I am about to discuss.
Put aside all the flash back pain you may be experiencing now and take yourself to a happy place. A place where that one person who, when they'd walk past, would make your stomach turn over, your heart race and your hands sweaty.
The one who's name you would write next to yours at night to try and work out your love percentage by using a very complicated maths theory which involved adding all of the letters in your name together according to the availability of the letters L.O.V.E.
The one you would race down to the canteen just to be able to stand in line next to, the one you auditioned to be in a play with even though you knew deep down you could never remember the words to Hamlet.. The one who's deodorant fell out at sport and you kept in your locker just to steal a sniff each day...Whaaat? only me? Ok then...
For me, his name was Chris Cornell. Even saying his name now makes my heart race a little. He was my first absolute high school crush.
His coolness factor was off the charts. His Father drove a vintage porsche, he shared a name with the lead singer of Sound Garden who were big amoung our school community. He had blonde hair that was styled similarly to Kurt Cobain's (who was hitting his peak at this time also) he had amazing eyes, tanned skin, long muscular limbs and could sing. SWOON.
His hotness covered a 3 grade radius.. By that I mean the girls in the year below, in his year and the one above where all in love with him.. Obviously not that same love I felt, silly superficial cows. My love was real and deep and belonged on the "Wonder years" with Kevin and Winnie.
Well folks, yesterday while sitting in the movies with my two daughters about to embark on a slaying of the classic Romeo and Juliet (Gnomeo and Juliet).... I heard someone say...
"Emy Rusciano"
I think you know where I am going with this.
IT WAS CHRIS CORNELL!
My God, so many thoughts and emotions.. I'll try and give them to you in order:
1. Shit I'm not wearing any make up!
2. Oh he looks amazing.
3. Damn my children are here.
4. Shut up you love your kids.
5. Yes but they make me seem un available.
6. You are un avaialable you twat you're married.
7. Shhh brain, Chris might hear you.
8. Wait, he's in a kids movie.. He must have kids.
9. Shit, he's married.. So are you, remember...
10. Oh God it's been too long I have to say something..
Em: "Chris! Wow, how did you know it was me?"
Oh BRILLIANT Em. Great opening line for the man you obsessed over for most of high school.
Chris: "I see you on the TV each week, it wasn't hard"
Brain going into melt down.... He's been watching me on the TV?!
Em: "What? Really.. You, um... watch TV.. Of course you do.. So Oh.. You've seen me on the TV"
Mayday! Mayday! We were heading for a crash landing...
Chris: "Are these your girls?"
It took me a while to respond to this one, for 10 seconds I was standing at the bus stop I had shared with him during high school. They were the greatest 5 minutes of each day..
Em: "Oh, yes. This is Chella and Odie. Are you here with offspring also?"
Chris: "Yes, I've got 2 here and 2 on the way... This is my wife....." (I've blocked her name out, it must have been too painful for me to take in)
Yes, he is an almost Father of four... He has a lovely wife, they live near where he and I grew up they go to the movies together on Sundays and he hasn't aged ONE DAY..
The movie started and so of course I sat there analyzing and agonizing over the 3 minute conversation we had squeezed in.. I had to make up for my atrocities when the lights came up so I started workshopping ideas..
I would ask about the impending birth to throw them off the fact I still obviously had a school girl crush..
I would talk about my husband, YES MY HUSBAND! Someone loves me now that's right!
As the lights came up I steadied myself, I knew this had the potential to go horribly wrong.. I needed this to end on witty banter at the very least.
We gathered up our respective children and walked slowly up the stairs..
This was it Em, get it together.. Nothing boring or inane.. You need pizazz and brilliance..
However, as I looked at him with his two impossibly beautiful sons and glowing pregnant wife who he obviously adored I realised I was being ridiculous..
What did I think was going to happen? I'd impress him so much he'd obviously want to go back in time and be my boyfriend? Because that's as far as I had got. I wanted him for my 14 year old self- it wasn't practical for now..
Once I remembered I was in fact 31 and not 14 I was able to look at him through adult eyes and see that ship had well and truly sailed, as had mine...
In the end we talked about gestational diabetes and nappies... I gave him a kiss and a hug (swoon- look I'm only human ok) and wished him all the best.
I should also point out I never ever got more than a hug from this man. I spent most of high school on and off with his best friend.. (Lets not delve into that one too deeply huh?)
Have an amazing day, relive that first crush today.. Facebook stalk them if you must. I insist!
See you tomorrow.
E x
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Relax Julia!
OK! I admit it. I was sucked into the romanticism of a female Prime Minister.
Sure, I felt sorry for Kev. When he gave his wobbly chin goodbye speech I shed a tear - I'm not a robot.
I was also swept away in the Kevin 07 campaign. Besides the campaign name having excellent alliteration, here was this silver haired fox ready to take our country out of the clutches of the old blue bloods and inject some much needed life and left into our decaying political system.
I'll digress for a second, beg your forgiveness for being a wanker and say that I have interviewed Kevin Rudd several times. I had the IMMENSE privilege of speaking to him after he apologised to the stolen generation. It was one of the greatest moments of my life, up there with meeting Lionel Ritchie - I was bursting with emotion.
Oh Kev... You came out of the blocks with such promise.
You'd been to the strippers, we loved that.
You spoke Mandarin, we were OK with that.
Sadly, in the end you seemed to be away for most of the time and left a legacy of dodgy ceiling insulation, rumours of tantrums over hair dryer speeds and an emissions trading scheme farce.
Enter the RED HEADED SAVIOUR!
I bought into Julia, why wouldn't I? Such shiny hair, such kind eyes, not Tony Abbott.
Julia valued education and health and when that woman gives a hug she commits.
Now, several months in I find myself asking one very large question. What does Julia Gillard stand for? What are the burning issues that keep her up at night? What does she believe in? Why does she present as a robot now instead of the charismatic and passionante woman she once seemed to be.
It appears she has bowed to the ridiculous expectations the Australian public place on our politicians- That they must live as though they're in Victorian times, that they must be infallible, benign and beige.
While I'm not sure what she stands for, we all know what she's against - Gay marriage.
Her stance on this issue flummoxed me. Tony Abbott can hide behind his "religion"as it's a sin for a such a union to take place. What was Julia's reasoning? When pressed she bleats on about "clear party policy" and that their stance "refects where there community is at".
As Julia Gillard is yet to give a clear cut reason as to why she's PERSONALLY against gay marriage I thought I'd come up with a few for her.... Then I reaslised none of them could apply... So I'm still a little lost... Aaaaaaaany way:
1. Worried about procreation- Julia has chosen not to have any children.
2. Doesn't think non tradiotional unions should not be recognised - Julia is in a defacto relationship.
3. Religion - Julia is an atheist.
4. Believes in up holding traditional policies - Females weren't allowed to vote until 1903. If it weren't for the tireless campaigning of women's groups she may not be in the position she is today. Sometimes, traditional policies are stale, out dated and in need of modernising. She has benefited from exactly that happening. Just because something is deemed inappropriate years ago doesn't mean it is now or in the future.
With the recent floods, cyclones and fires our politicians have been very prevalent in the media. Social media has been closely scrutinizing their every move, reaction and tear. With regards to the floods - Julia was critised for being too "wooden". To be fair, I thought she handled it beautifully.
It was Anna Bligh's show to run; I think Julia did what most women would have done in that situation. Offered her unwavering support and in no way felt the need to undermine the authority of the person in charge.
Tony Abbott was recently caught up in a shit storm for saying "shit happens" during a highly charged military conversation. GOD HELP ME I supported him on that one. He allowed himself to get caught up in the moment without thought or care to how it may have effected him politically. If it weren't for some opportunistic editing on ch 7's behalf he may have won back some support. At least he was being authentic.
It would be remiss of me not to mention Bob Brown and his Greens wouldn't it? I'll say this; good in theory however as Malcolm Turnbull said "there are none so pure as the impotent." Lets see some major policy put into play and then I'll be a believer.
I know this is ended up being more of a vent than a blog post but I make the rules here so it is what it is.
Basically, I want more for those in charge of running our country. I want to know what it is they believe in. I want passion, I want AUTHENTICITY and I want fearlessness.
To Julia Gillard I wish to say - Relax lady. Be yourself.
Make a difference this week you lot.
E x
Sure, I felt sorry for Kev. When he gave his wobbly chin goodbye speech I shed a tear - I'm not a robot.
I was also swept away in the Kevin 07 campaign. Besides the campaign name having excellent alliteration, here was this silver haired fox ready to take our country out of the clutches of the old blue bloods and inject some much needed life and left into our decaying political system.
I'll digress for a second, beg your forgiveness for being a wanker and say that I have interviewed Kevin Rudd several times. I had the IMMENSE privilege of speaking to him after he apologised to the stolen generation. It was one of the greatest moments of my life, up there with meeting Lionel Ritchie - I was bursting with emotion.
Oh Kev... You came out of the blocks with such promise.
You'd been to the strippers, we loved that.
You spoke Mandarin, we were OK with that.
Sadly, in the end you seemed to be away for most of the time and left a legacy of dodgy ceiling insulation, rumours of tantrums over hair dryer speeds and an emissions trading scheme farce.
Enter the RED HEADED SAVIOUR!
I bought into Julia, why wouldn't I? Such shiny hair, such kind eyes, not Tony Abbott.
Julia valued education and health and when that woman gives a hug she commits.
Now, several months in I find myself asking one very large question. What does Julia Gillard stand for? What are the burning issues that keep her up at night? What does she believe in? Why does she present as a robot now instead of the charismatic and passionante woman she once seemed to be.
It appears she has bowed to the ridiculous expectations the Australian public place on our politicians- That they must live as though they're in Victorian times, that they must be infallible, benign and beige.
While I'm not sure what she stands for, we all know what she's against - Gay marriage.
Her stance on this issue flummoxed me. Tony Abbott can hide behind his "religion"as it's a sin for a such a union to take place. What was Julia's reasoning? When pressed she bleats on about "clear party policy" and that their stance "refects where there community is at".
As Julia Gillard is yet to give a clear cut reason as to why she's PERSONALLY against gay marriage I thought I'd come up with a few for her.... Then I reaslised none of them could apply... So I'm still a little lost... Aaaaaaaany way:
1. Worried about procreation- Julia has chosen not to have any children.
2. Doesn't think non tradiotional unions should not be recognised - Julia is in a defacto relationship.
3. Religion - Julia is an atheist.
4. Believes in up holding traditional policies - Females weren't allowed to vote until 1903. If it weren't for the tireless campaigning of women's groups she may not be in the position she is today. Sometimes, traditional policies are stale, out dated and in need of modernising. She has benefited from exactly that happening. Just because something is deemed inappropriate years ago doesn't mean it is now or in the future.
With the recent floods, cyclones and fires our politicians have been very prevalent in the media. Social media has been closely scrutinizing their every move, reaction and tear. With regards to the floods - Julia was critised for being too "wooden". To be fair, I thought she handled it beautifully.
It was Anna Bligh's show to run; I think Julia did what most women would have done in that situation. Offered her unwavering support and in no way felt the need to undermine the authority of the person in charge.
Tony Abbott was recently caught up in a shit storm for saying "shit happens" during a highly charged military conversation. GOD HELP ME I supported him on that one. He allowed himself to get caught up in the moment without thought or care to how it may have effected him politically. If it weren't for some opportunistic editing on ch 7's behalf he may have won back some support. At least he was being authentic.
It would be remiss of me not to mention Bob Brown and his Greens wouldn't it? I'll say this; good in theory however as Malcolm Turnbull said "there are none so pure as the impotent." Lets see some major policy put into play and then I'll be a believer.
I know this is ended up being more of a vent than a blog post but I make the rules here so it is what it is.
Basically, I want more for those in charge of running our country. I want to know what it is they believe in. I want passion, I want AUTHENTICITY and I want fearlessness.
To Julia Gillard I wish to say - Relax lady. Be yourself.
Make a difference this week you lot.
E x
Monday, February 7, 2011
Boof heads should not be role models.
I try to keep this blog a place of self reflection, self ridicule and musings.
Today I will actually have an opinion.
An issue has come up yet again that I feel must be addressed.
Friends remember, if you disagree with what I have to say here- that's Ok! It doesn't make either one of us a bad person... It just makes you wrong... (I joke - couldn't resist)
I was at a cafe this morning and overheard a couple women discussing the recently bought to light antics of a few of the Western Bulldogs players. One felt it was a disgrace and wondered what was she going to tell her 6 yr old who was a "mad Doggies fan." That these footballers were role models to young kids and blah blah blah blah blah...
In my very humble opinion athletes should not be held up as role models for children in the area of "desirable personal attributes." Sporting prowess? Absolutely. If I ever have a son I would want him to be able to go in hard like Glen Archer did, I would not want him to look to Brendan Fevola for financial advice or to Nick Riewoldt for personal grooming tips.. (I am still scarred by that image)
The article in the Herald called it a "Youtube disgrace." For those of you not aware, during their end of season trip last year to China a few of the WBD players among them Adam Cooney who is a, GASP Brownlow medalist (this was mentioned numerous times in the piece as though it should make him immune to stupidity) and Jarrad Grant misbehaved on a night out. After exiting a bar they stopped a couple of cabs, got on the bonnet of a car and were involved in some VERY questionable dancing (Adam Cooney's pelvic thrusting is quite impressive) and yes, were generally behaving like douche bags.
I have watched this video and the only disgrace I can see is the bloke in the devil horns attempting to do the "worm." It is a truly shocking display, he should have a good hard look at himself in the mirror.
Someone taped it unbeknown to them and posted it on Youtube, it's already had over (another gasp) 8000 views... Make no mistake it's bratty, stupid and arrogant behaviour but it's not a reason to call for their guernseys.
Watch the bad behaviour here.
The club were quick to respond using language like "frustrated" and "disappointed." Bulldogs CEO Simon Garlick went as far to say they may need to reconsider their careers as footballers... Wow! Slightly over the top don't you think?
In my opinion the club should have said: "This is a non story, they were off the clock, no laws were broken, no injuries sustained- you should all seriously consider getting lives" but obviously put it in wanky football administrative terms.
To those of you yelling at the computer "Em, AFL players choose their occupation and get paid handsomely thus forfeit the right to a normal life and should accept their role model status" I say this:
I don't believe footballers knowingly "choose" to open up their private lives for our entertainment.
My husband and I had a VERY heated debate over this point. He feels lots of information is given to players before and during their time in AFL clubs about what comes with being a player in today's climate. That by choosing football they also accept the reality of public scrutiny on the rest of their non football lives. (It should be pointed out my husband's job is to help AFL players, coaches and executives deal with the pressures of their lives so that their professional performance is optimal- he's the expert) I say when they start out they are 18 and just want to play footy, they are incapable of fully understanding what awaits them should they stuff up along the way. Once they do stuff up, it's far bigger and scarier than anything they could have imagined.
I accept it's a players responsibility to conduct themselves in a manner that doesn't embarrass the club the game or anyone else, but why should these footballers be expected to show my children how to be honest, humble and generally good humans when all they really signed up for was to play footy? Some of these guys are genuine dickheads but my God can they kick. I would hope that my kids would be able to discern which attribute is more desirable to have - that's MY job as a parent.
If a child sees a picture of his favorite player, oh I don't know, posing inappropriately with a dog and thinks that it's ok to do the same - I'd say there are some deeper issues there at play.
The whole notion of a"role model" is flawed anyway. No one person could be held up and deemed the perfect specimen for a child to "model" their "role" as a human on.. I have many, many attributes I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy yet alone my children and I'm their Mother. I hope they get my uncanny ability to line up the centre of anything without the use of a tape measure; I sincerely hope they both bypass my crippling anxiety and the neurotic behaviour that results.
There has been some bloody ridiculous behavior by some AFL players, I don't deny that. I am not here to defend the boof heads, I am here to say that I do not expect said boof heads to teach my children right from wrong.
Have an adventurous week.
E x
Today I will actually have an opinion.
An issue has come up yet again that I feel must be addressed.
Friends remember, if you disagree with what I have to say here- that's Ok! It doesn't make either one of us a bad person... It just makes you wrong... (I joke - couldn't resist)
I was at a cafe this morning and overheard a couple women discussing the recently bought to light antics of a few of the Western Bulldogs players. One felt it was a disgrace and wondered what was she going to tell her 6 yr old who was a "mad Doggies fan." That these footballers were role models to young kids and blah blah blah blah blah...
In my very humble opinion athletes should not be held up as role models for children in the area of "desirable personal attributes." Sporting prowess? Absolutely. If I ever have a son I would want him to be able to go in hard like Glen Archer did, I would not want him to look to Brendan Fevola for financial advice or to Nick Riewoldt for personal grooming tips.. (I am still scarred by that image)
The article in the Herald called it a "Youtube disgrace." For those of you not aware, during their end of season trip last year to China a few of the WBD players among them Adam Cooney who is a, GASP Brownlow medalist (this was mentioned numerous times in the piece as though it should make him immune to stupidity) and Jarrad Grant misbehaved on a night out. After exiting a bar they stopped a couple of cabs, got on the bonnet of a car and were involved in some VERY questionable dancing (Adam Cooney's pelvic thrusting is quite impressive) and yes, were generally behaving like douche bags.
I have watched this video and the only disgrace I can see is the bloke in the devil horns attempting to do the "worm." It is a truly shocking display, he should have a good hard look at himself in the mirror.
Someone taped it unbeknown to them and posted it on Youtube, it's already had over (another gasp) 8000 views... Make no mistake it's bratty, stupid and arrogant behaviour but it's not a reason to call for their guernseys.
Watch the bad behaviour here.
The club were quick to respond using language like "frustrated" and "disappointed." Bulldogs CEO Simon Garlick went as far to say they may need to reconsider their careers as footballers... Wow! Slightly over the top don't you think?
In my opinion the club should have said: "This is a non story, they were off the clock, no laws were broken, no injuries sustained- you should all seriously consider getting lives" but obviously put it in wanky football administrative terms.
To those of you yelling at the computer "Em, AFL players choose their occupation and get paid handsomely thus forfeit the right to a normal life and should accept their role model status" I say this:
I don't believe footballers knowingly "choose" to open up their private lives for our entertainment.
My husband and I had a VERY heated debate over this point. He feels lots of information is given to players before and during their time in AFL clubs about what comes with being a player in today's climate. That by choosing football they also accept the reality of public scrutiny on the rest of their non football lives. (It should be pointed out my husband's job is to help AFL players, coaches and executives deal with the pressures of their lives so that their professional performance is optimal- he's the expert) I say when they start out they are 18 and just want to play footy, they are incapable of fully understanding what awaits them should they stuff up along the way. Once they do stuff up, it's far bigger and scarier than anything they could have imagined.
I accept it's a players responsibility to conduct themselves in a manner that doesn't embarrass the club the game or anyone else, but why should these footballers be expected to show my children how to be honest, humble and generally good humans when all they really signed up for was to play footy? Some of these guys are genuine dickheads but my God can they kick. I would hope that my kids would be able to discern which attribute is more desirable to have - that's MY job as a parent.
If a child sees a picture of his favorite player, oh I don't know, posing inappropriately with a dog and thinks that it's ok to do the same - I'd say there are some deeper issues there at play.
The whole notion of a"role model" is flawed anyway. No one person could be held up and deemed the perfect specimen for a child to "model" their "role" as a human on.. I have many, many attributes I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy yet alone my children and I'm their Mother. I hope they get my uncanny ability to line up the centre of anything without the use of a tape measure; I sincerely hope they both bypass my crippling anxiety and the neurotic behaviour that results.
There has been some bloody ridiculous behavior by some AFL players, I don't deny that. I am not here to defend the boof heads, I am here to say that I do not expect said boof heads to teach my children right from wrong.
Have an adventurous week.
E x
Monday, January 24, 2011
Strippergate -Why you should never drink and Tweet.
There isn't a word that a woman can call a man that has the same impact as c@nt.
We have NO retaliation.
Early Sunday morning someone called a friend of mine the c-bomb.
On Twitter.
This may have not have been such a big deal if said person and friend didn't both have over 56,000 followers each.
Upon reading the tweets I actually found myself quoting the great Danny Glover - "I'm too old for this shit." I knew it was going to get ugly.... Holy Barbara Streisand, did it ever.
For the sake of protecting the innocent lets call the 2 main players "Tosh" and "Tuby."
Tuby and I had been booked to play at the Donkey Wheel house as part of the Midsumma festival. I was singing she was spinning.. (I'm so music biz now)
Half way through her set Tosh arrived. We'd only met once before however I was well aware of who he was as he had dated a very good friend of mine aaaaaand he's on a very high rating television show.
He was very pleasant and endeared himself very quickly to me with his self-effacing humour and immense anxiety - A potent combination.
After Tuby had finished she came over and saw that Tosh was there and they both seemed genuinely happy to see each other. It was my understanding they had been friends for years... They have a few things in common the biggest being they are Australia's token gay and lesbian celebrity groovy kids.
The decision was made that we should move on to another venue. A strip club was suggested...
I will pause here to say I had never been to a strip club before in my life.
They'd always conjured up unappealing visions of green and mustard striped velour couches, sticky floors and women named "Candy" who had seen better days and to whom gravity was no friend... I wasn't excited by the idea however the 3 lesbians and the 3 gay men in our group out voted me. (I really gotta get some heteros in my life eh?)
Some of you may be asking: "Em! Why didn't you just go home?" Good question. The answer? I was the D.D.P. that night (Designated Dignity Protector) each time we head out someone is assigned the D.D.P role. Tuby has done it for me on other occasions.
We entered the venue and the woman on the door spotted Tuby and a V.I.P area was quickly arranged..
The interior of the club looked like what can only be described as the Qantas club meets Gold Class meets the inside of Jeannie's bottle... Who knew wing back chairs and Chesterfield couches were popular in the high-end strip club interior design aesthetic?
We were seated, the gays and I huddled together like babes in the wood.. I honestly didn't know where to look. The strippers were pretty much naked, actually naked... Yes I know IT'S A STRIP CLUB but still- NAKED!
I decided to just embrace it all and really appreciate what these girls were doing, admire their dedication to their craft. When Miss Pole 2010 came out I was so impressed I almost wept. It was like some sort of magnificent x-rated circ de soleil number. She was performing acts on that pole that truly boggled my mind. Her thighs were all that stood between her and a 4m face plant... AMAZING.
Also, I feel it would be remiss of me not to address the extremely high personal grooming standards these women have. I did not see ONE hair out-of-place, not ONE tan line, those perspex platforms were clean and shiny - it was a very tight ship ladies and gents make no mistake about it.
Then a couple of bottles of Champaign arrived.....
I declined because of my D.D.P. status, I needed to stay sharp. Everyone else (except Tosh) had a glass.
A short time after that I grabbed Tuby and told her it was time to go. Nothing good can come from 2:30am onwards. Also, I'm a Mother of 2 for goodness sake. I have to be accountable!
We said our goodbyes and then Tosh jumped up and said: "Hey! My credit card is behind the bar!"
Tosh has recently become a home owner and is trying to be more money conscious he was just checking he wouldn't be left with a huge bill. We all discussed the best course of action and then Tuby said she had been told the club was "taking care of it" so we all thought everything was sweet.
APPARENTLY NOT!
Flash forward to 8:30am Sunday morning and as I feed my children breakfast and regale them with tales of women who can hang off "fireman" poles by their toes, I check my twitter feed and see this from Tosh:
"So it turns out Tuby ordered $610 worth of Champaign without paying. I have the bill now.Turns out Tuby is a cunt. Surprise!"
There it is. That big, ugly, can't take back word.
56,700 people received that tweet..
So as I was saying. There is nothing Tuby can say back that would equal that word. I understand that he was upset, I would be as well. However, he could have just taken it up with her on the phone. Perhaps penned an angry letter, anything that didn't involve so many people and that word.
Whhhhhhhy? Tosh Whhhhhhhhhy?
It's all sorted now, we've all offered to give him money and he declined to take it...
As Tosh is a talented comedian I'm sure this will give him amazing content for his next show- "Why you should never call someone a cunt on twitter" and he'll joke about it and probably make back the $610 he paid for the Champaign in ticket sales alone. I think he handled the situation appallingly.
I'm exhausted.
Speak soon.
E x
P.S. I am seriously considering taking up pole dancing. I'll just be wearing...You know...Clothes.
We have NO retaliation.
Early Sunday morning someone called a friend of mine the c-bomb.
On Twitter.
This may have not have been such a big deal if said person and friend didn't both have over 56,000 followers each.
Upon reading the tweets I actually found myself quoting the great Danny Glover - "I'm too old for this shit." I knew it was going to get ugly.... Holy Barbara Streisand, did it ever.
For the sake of protecting the innocent lets call the 2 main players "Tosh" and "Tuby."
Tuby and I had been booked to play at the Donkey Wheel house as part of the Midsumma festival. I was singing she was spinning.. (I'm so music biz now)
Half way through her set Tosh arrived. We'd only met once before however I was well aware of who he was as he had dated a very good friend of mine aaaaaand he's on a very high rating television show.
He was very pleasant and endeared himself very quickly to me with his self-effacing humour and immense anxiety - A potent combination.
After Tuby had finished she came over and saw that Tosh was there and they both seemed genuinely happy to see each other. It was my understanding they had been friends for years... They have a few things in common the biggest being they are Australia's token gay and lesbian celebrity groovy kids.
The decision was made that we should move on to another venue. A strip club was suggested...
I will pause here to say I had never been to a strip club before in my life.
They'd always conjured up unappealing visions of green and mustard striped velour couches, sticky floors and women named "Candy" who had seen better days and to whom gravity was no friend... I wasn't excited by the idea however the 3 lesbians and the 3 gay men in our group out voted me. (I really gotta get some heteros in my life eh?)
Some of you may be asking: "Em! Why didn't you just go home?" Good question. The answer? I was the D.D.P. that night (Designated Dignity Protector) each time we head out someone is assigned the D.D.P role. Tuby has done it for me on other occasions.
We entered the venue and the woman on the door spotted Tuby and a V.I.P area was quickly arranged..
The interior of the club looked like what can only be described as the Qantas club meets Gold Class meets the inside of Jeannie's bottle... Who knew wing back chairs and Chesterfield couches were popular in the high-end strip club interior design aesthetic?
We were seated, the gays and I huddled together like babes in the wood.. I honestly didn't know where to look. The strippers were pretty much naked, actually naked... Yes I know IT'S A STRIP CLUB but still- NAKED!
I decided to just embrace it all and really appreciate what these girls were doing, admire their dedication to their craft. When Miss Pole 2010 came out I was so impressed I almost wept. It was like some sort of magnificent x-rated circ de soleil number. She was performing acts on that pole that truly boggled my mind. Her thighs were all that stood between her and a 4m face plant... AMAZING.
Also, I feel it would be remiss of me not to address the extremely high personal grooming standards these women have. I did not see ONE hair out-of-place, not ONE tan line, those perspex platforms were clean and shiny - it was a very tight ship ladies and gents make no mistake about it.
Then a couple of bottles of Champaign arrived.....
I declined because of my D.D.P. status, I needed to stay sharp. Everyone else (except Tosh) had a glass.
A short time after that I grabbed Tuby and told her it was time to go. Nothing good can come from 2:30am onwards. Also, I'm a Mother of 2 for goodness sake. I have to be accountable!
We said our goodbyes and then Tosh jumped up and said: "Hey! My credit card is behind the bar!"
Tosh has recently become a home owner and is trying to be more money conscious he was just checking he wouldn't be left with a huge bill. We all discussed the best course of action and then Tuby said she had been told the club was "taking care of it" so we all thought everything was sweet.
APPARENTLY NOT!
Flash forward to 8:30am Sunday morning and as I feed my children breakfast and regale them with tales of women who can hang off "fireman" poles by their toes, I check my twitter feed and see this from Tosh:
"So it turns out Tuby ordered $610 worth of Champaign without paying. I have the bill now.Turns out Tuby is a cunt. Surprise!"
There it is. That big, ugly, can't take back word.
56,700 people received that tweet..
So as I was saying. There is nothing Tuby can say back that would equal that word. I understand that he was upset, I would be as well. However, he could have just taken it up with her on the phone. Perhaps penned an angry letter, anything that didn't involve so many people and that word.
Whhhhhhhy? Tosh Whhhhhhhhhy?
It's all sorted now, we've all offered to give him money and he declined to take it...
As Tosh is a talented comedian I'm sure this will give him amazing content for his next show- "Why you should never call someone a cunt on twitter" and he'll joke about it and probably make back the $610 he paid for the Champaign in ticket sales alone. I think he handled the situation appallingly.
I'm exhausted.
Speak soon.
E x
P.S. I am seriously considering taking up pole dancing. I'll just be wearing...You know...Clothes.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Oprah, Eurovision and world domination. Em 2011.
My year off is officially over.
Dear baby Jesus in heaven it went quickly.
I now have to find proper employment. Creatively, spiritually and finacially doing 10 minutes of television a week just 'aint going to cut it anymore.
Yes I have my children however as Miranda pointed out to Charlotte in the only decent piece of dialogue to come out of the flaccid Sex and the City 2 movie: "Being a Mother, for me, just isn't enough". To be fair there was another line in that movie which I quite enjoyed. Samantha proclaiming: "He can be Lawrence of my labia" but I digress.
Yep. I need more. If left to my own devices I turn all my creative energy into negative actions (spot the woman who's been to intensive counseling).
The only problem is... I'm not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I have a vague idea that involves Playschool, Eurovision and Oprah but other than that I am lost.
I'm not really qualified to do anything except think fast on my feet, talk and wear false eyelashes.
I don't even have a current resume. So I am sticking with what I know.
I made a few (God forgive me for writing this) resolutions.... I know, I know, I'm sorry but that's what they are. I have decided to tell you all so that I can't hide from them. I'll leave it to you to harass me throughout the year if I appear to be deviating from the course (Feel free to leave me yours in the comment section and I will do the same for you.)
1. Sing more. - Happy to announce my first proper gig is happening on the 16th of Jan at the Mid-Summer carnival at Birrarung Marr. I'm on stage at 12:45 singing 4 songs with my guitarist. Just covers to start with, we have re-arranged Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse, Pink and Tina Turner. Please, if you can come down to support me I would most appreciate it.
2. Get on the big kids table at the 7pm project - This is a tough one. I want one shot at the desk, not anything fancy like what the amazing Carrie Bickmore does, just a spot down the end. When Dave's having the night off.
3. Attempt (I am shaking as I write this) stand up comedy... I am not a comedian, I do not think I am funny, I just like telling stories.. I thought I'd get up and tell a few. Weird shit happens to me, a lot. I thought others may find said weird shit amusing.
4. Take Acting classes - I'm hoping this will help me as a performer and help me let go of the crap that causes anxiety before I take to the stage or camera. I enrolled today in the beginners Meisner Technique course. Once a week for 8 weeks, I'm nervous but excited.
5. Write a short book. I've been wanting to do this for a while now however my rampant dyslexia had always scared me away. In the end I thought I just need to find a really good editor to do all the heavy lifting.
6. Finish writing my one woman cabaret show. It's almost done, I just need Michael Lucas (Click here for Gays of Em's life reference point) to stop being so busy with "Offspring" and his new movie starring Ryan Kwanten (subtle plug) to help me perfect it.
7. Get back onto the radio - I think, out of everything, it's what I do least badly..
I will share something with you all now.
I probably shouldn't. It makes me sound like a massive wanker.
Only Michael Lucas knows this... (Yes I refer to him with both names in real life as well)
I am on the Oprah timeline. (I thought if I made it small it wouldn't look as bad)
I am acutely aware that she was my age when she started on cable.
Eventually I wish to dominate the talk show world. I will be a mixture of Graham Norton, Dame Edna and Tony Martin. I have already spoken to Channel 31 about the campest talk show in the world... It could be happening. The big O started small, I must also. BUT IT MUST BE NOW!! Oh the pressure..
I'm aware this may be the most self indulgent piece of writing you've ever had to get through but let's move on from that! I had to put it all out there.
Now the year of Em begins... Yes that's right, I just wrote "The year of Em".
Be bold this week kids.
E x
P.S - I am reading another fantastic book. It's called "A fraction of the whole" by Steve Toltz... I know I am a little late of the mark with this one and a lot of you have probably read it however if you haven't.. DO IT.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
My 10 cents and my nude picture.
I once posed nude for a "healthy body image" campaign.
Here is the picture:
Yes, fairly tame compared to the St Kilda boys but I knew full well that after I posed for this shot other people were going to see it. I think that can be assumed of any photo taken.
After I had taken in ALL the available [visual] information on the "St Kilda nude photo scandal" I have to say the one thing that stuck with me was the fact that the boys posed for the shots in the first place and are now crying foul that they have seen the light of day. That and the lack of pubic hair... (Did anyone else find that a little confronting?)
Nick Riewoldt is now bleating about how he asked that the photo be deleted HOWEVER he obviously did not make sure of this. Also, for those of you who have seen the shot - it's not like he has his wang covered with one hand while trying to block the lens with the other. Boyfriend is working his angles - AKA posing.
This "school girl" as she is disturbingly referred to in the press has been called everything from a "trouble making slut" to a "lost little girl". I think one thing's for sure ladies and gentlemen; meet your January Zoo Weekly cover girl.
Some people are asking why? Why is she trying to deliberately destroy these young mens lives? To them I say: SERIOUSLY?! Has she not been clear enough? Let me break it down for you all.
Here is a series of the "school girl's" tweets from a month ago, you can actually see the flames of revenge grow from glowing embers into a full blown inferno..
Remember, this is the same girl who claimed to have fallen pregnant to an un-named St Kilda player earlier this year. The tweets are obviously aimed at the player she had the alleged affair with. She is also clearly upset with how the club and the AFL handled the situation - THIS is a woman scorned:
"I need you to be here for me, I need you to be a part of this, I need you to keep my last ray of hope alive."
"Don't put me through this again, If anything... do it for bubs."
"Last Night... Well, What can I say? Absolutely shattered at the consequences... Ciao Ciao Life Plan.. x.."
"It's safe to say that if this goes through; My life will be a mess and not worth living. I'm awaiting judgement day.."
"As if you have a new girlfriend, then you call me and say you love me.. What the ? A tad confused .."
"I feel strange, I'm used to being the one in control and the one that's manipulating you, not the other way round.."
"HA. But, I WILL take you down, you know I will... I've got nothing to lose, unlike you. It's ON."
"Now it's getting interesting.... come get me fucker... Oh how I can't wait for next month."
You know how this ended... She posted the pictures and here we all are.
I do not wish to say much more on this topic, every man and his dog has had their go. I do wish to make the following points.
1. If she did in fact lose her baby as she claims them I am truly sorry for her loss and hope she has some kind of a support network around her.
2. Those boys should never have posed for the shots if they were not happy with the possibility of them getting out.
3. Nick Riewoldt blaming Sam Gilbert is a cop out. He could have shown leadership and accepted some responsibility.
4. The footballers are not the only ones to blame. This girl has displayed behavior that is down right predatory.
5. When you break it down it's just a bit embarrassing for the boys. They'll move on and probably be able to laugh about it all in time. I get the feeling this is a deep scar for this young girl, one that may never heal.
6. The AFL has a very long way to go to repair and grow it's relationship with the ladies.
Keep it in your pants if you don't want your Grandmother to see it kids.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Em x
Here is the picture:
After I had taken in ALL the available [visual] information on the "St Kilda nude photo scandal" I have to say the one thing that stuck with me was the fact that the boys posed for the shots in the first place and are now crying foul that they have seen the light of day. That and the lack of pubic hair... (Did anyone else find that a little confronting?)
Nick Riewoldt is now bleating about how he asked that the photo be deleted HOWEVER he obviously did not make sure of this. Also, for those of you who have seen the shot - it's not like he has his wang covered with one hand while trying to block the lens with the other. Boyfriend is working his angles - AKA posing.
This "school girl" as she is disturbingly referred to in the press has been called everything from a "trouble making slut" to a "lost little girl". I think one thing's for sure ladies and gentlemen; meet your January Zoo Weekly cover girl.
Some people are asking why? Why is she trying to deliberately destroy these young mens lives? To them I say: SERIOUSLY?! Has she not been clear enough? Let me break it down for you all.
Here is a series of the "school girl's" tweets from a month ago, you can actually see the flames of revenge grow from glowing embers into a full blown inferno..
Remember, this is the same girl who claimed to have fallen pregnant to an un-named St Kilda player earlier this year. The tweets are obviously aimed at the player she had the alleged affair with. She is also clearly upset with how the club and the AFL handled the situation - THIS is a woman scorned:
"I need you to be here for me, I need you to be a part of this, I need you to keep my last ray of hope alive."
"Don't put me through this again, If anything... do it for bubs."
"Last Night... Well, What can I say? Absolutely shattered at the consequences... Ciao Ciao Life Plan.. x.."
"It's safe to say that if this goes through; My life will be a mess and not worth living. I'm awaiting judgement day.."
"As if you have a new girlfriend, then you call me and say you love me.. What the ? A tad confused .."
"I feel strange, I'm used to being the one in control and the one that's manipulating you, not the other way round.."
"HA. But, I WILL take you down, you know I will... I've got nothing to lose, unlike you. It's ON."
"Now it's getting interesting.... come get me fucker... Oh how I can't wait for next month."
You know how this ended... She posted the pictures and here we all are.
I do not wish to say much more on this topic, every man and his dog has had their go. I do wish to make the following points.
1. If she did in fact lose her baby as she claims them I am truly sorry for her loss and hope she has some kind of a support network around her.
2. Those boys should never have posed for the shots if they were not happy with the possibility of them getting out.
3. Nick Riewoldt blaming Sam Gilbert is a cop out. He could have shown leadership and accepted some responsibility.
4. The footballers are not the only ones to blame. This girl has displayed behavior that is down right predatory.
5. When you break it down it's just a bit embarrassing for the boys. They'll move on and probably be able to laugh about it all in time. I get the feeling this is a deep scar for this young girl, one that may never heal.
6. The AFL has a very long way to go to repair and grow it's relationship with the ladies.
Keep it in your pants if you don't want your Grandmother to see it kids.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Em x
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
How I was almost arrested at the dry cleaners.
A few hours ago I tweeted this:
"So, how's your morning been? What's that? Oh, yes the dry cleaner tried to have me arrested. No biggie. JESUS what a day."
I thought a mini blog was in order to explain myself.
Today I found myself being held against my will inside a dry cleaners.
Not a sentence I expected to have to type, ever in my life. EVER.
I have been going to this dry cleaner for the past year. They are a Vietnamese couple, you pay cash up front and they operate on a fairly dodgy hand written receipt system.
The cash register is a throw back from colonial times and they prefer to grunt instead of speak. Why do I go there? They do a bloody great job and it's cheaper than anywhere else I've been to.
A week ago I had dropped off 3 of my most sparkly dresses and 4 black jackets with various tassels, studs and leather trimmings. These are the staples of my wardrobe as you can well imagine. It is what I call the "nucleus" clean, all the most important and utilized items put in together for an en mass sprucing.
I now realise this was a mistake when I was faced with never seeing them again. What was I thinking?! The royal family never fly together just in case the plane goes down. The President and the Vice president travel on seperate planes for the same reason... You always have a spare around just in case. I should have only put half of the nucleus in.
The man who works there gestured at the receipt book and I was forced to admit that I had, in fact lost the 10cmx10cm piece of paper he'd given me the week earlier. My dresses happened to be hanging just to the left of the counter. I said "Look they're just there, if you call the number on the receipt my phone will ring and you'll see they're mine" he shook his head and told me to get out.
I said- "Can I show you some I.D to prove it's me."
He said: - " Drivers Licence"
I then produce my WA license as I am waiting for my VIC one to come.
He said: "This is fake. I not trust this. Must be Victorian"
I then produced the following:
Passport.
Medicare card.
Credit cards.
Working with children card.
All of these cards baring my name and/or my resemblance.
He still refused to hand over the dresses and press some sort of button that alerted the two women working out the back. They came rushing up to the counter demanding to know what was going on.
I again tried to explain that I had lost the ticket but if SOMEONE would just ring the number on the receipt hanging on the dresses my phone would ring or perhaps they would like to peruse the 55 other forms of ID I had produced.
Woman number one said: "We not trust anything but a Victorian license. You find someone with a Victorian license to sign for you."
I said I would not be doing that. I explained that I had already paid, I have more than enough ID here to prove it's me and that I was taking my dresses and leaving... I grabbed them off the hanger and headed for the door.
THIS IS WHEN THE SHIT HIT THE FAN.
Next thing I knew the man has got me in some sort of head lock and woman number one has jumped across the counter and locked the door. Woman number 2, with the skills of a Ninja -managed to wrench the clothes from my hands. She then screamed something in Vietnamese which was obviously along the lines of "call the police."
Cut to me standing in the corner shaking with no escape and 3 crazed lunatics shouting at me and calling me a thief!
The police were on their way and I had heard them tell them I was "violent" and an "angry person." Really?! Only one person had been placed in a head lock and it wasn't any of the 3 small shouty people who stood before me.
I managed to stop shaking long enough to call Scotty. The conversation went something like this:
Scotty: "Hello"
Me: "(Hiccup, sob)...I'm being held captive at the dry cleaners, they've called the police they say I am trying to steal my own clothes. Can you please come, and please bring your Victorian drivers license"
Scotty: "Right, (deep sigh) I'll be there soon."
The fact Scotty didn't even question it or sound remotely surprised probably looks pretty bad but I can honestly say this have never happened before.. Ok, so once I took on a woman who punched a bank teller in front of me but other than that my record is clean!
The police were taking their sweet time, I guess I wasn't considered that dangerous a criminal in my leopard print maxi dress with my bewildered 3 yr old child (yes Odette was there) sitting on my hip.
Scotty arrived to find me crumpled in the corner with Odie stroking my hair, bless her she knows the drill. He knocked on the door and surprisingly they let him in. He produced the much sort after "Victorian drivers license" and my clothes were handed over... JUST LIKE THAT.
I informed them all I would not be returning there ever and to expect a visit from the police as I was pressing charges for assault... Of course I will never follow through with that but it felt really good saying it.
I am still a bit disturbed over the whole incident but I do have my vintage Chanel sequined jacket back so alls well that ends well.
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