Not ALL stories involving nipple exposure end well..

The following story literally made me gag.

Then want to take a shower.

Then want to hold my children close.

Am I over reacting? Probably, but you're all fairly accustomed to that by now right?

My sister- in-law related this story to me and it has haunted me ever since.. It is in regards to a "friend" of hers.. (You will come to see why the inverted commas are now around the word FRIEND when before this incident they would not have been required.)

*Jill (my sister-in-law) had a couple of the girls from her Mothers group around to her house last week. Let us call them Mother number 2 and Mother number 3. They no longer attended the main Mothers group as they had broken off into a smaller, younger renegade group.

As lunch time rolled around it became apparent that there would not be enough food in the house to feed everyone so *Jill and Mother number 2 said they'd go and get lunch if the Mother number 3 didn't mind staying with the kids.

Of course she didn't mind, so off *Jill and Mother number 2 went.

While they were shopping for cheese rolls, sushi and apple slice unspeakable events were unfolding back at the house.

*Jill and Mother number 2 were gone for a total of 30 minutes. In those 30 minutes that Mothers group would be CHANGED FOREVER.. (Forever, forever, forever.........  - FYI this is a dramatic echo)

Am I building the suspense enough? I still bet you can't guess what happened..

*Jill and Mother number 2 arrived back at the house to find all three children having a nap.

Well done Mother number 3 they exclaimed! Mother number 2 was especially surprised as her child hadn't been fed yet and was hard to get to sleep when she hadn't been fed. No milk = no sleep for Mother number 2's child.

"I'm surprised you could get *Misty to sleep, she hasn't been fed yet. I always have to give her a feed before she goes down at lunch time. I don't know what I'll do when I stop BREAST FEEDING HER."

Have I dropped enough clues yet? Need I go on?

Oh alright.

Mother number 3 replied:

"Oh, *Timmy skipped his feed and I had a full boob so I popped *Misty on it. She guzzled it down and went straight to sleep!"

OH YES. YES SHE DID. YOU BET YOUR SWEET BIPPY SHE DID!

MOTHER NUMBER 3 BREAST FED MOTHER NUMBER 2's CHILD!

Let us pause here.

This is an act that can NEVER BE UNDONE. Never, ever not once ever can it be undone..

It's like finding out your flatmate has been cleaning the toilet with your toothbrush. You can't take back all those times you had the brush in your mouth after it had cleaned poo from the crevices of your toilet.

The image of Mother number 3's nipple in her child's mouth can NEVER be erased form Mother number 2's mind. That milk can never be un-drunk.

Yessssss, I know there were wet nurses back in the day and I know some women today use them but for me it's JUST NOT RIGHT. I'm not saying you are a bad person if you allow some other womans boob to go into your babies mouth for nourishment, I'm just saying don't ever let it be my baby.

Breast feeding is an intensely personal thing. It is bonding time, it is boobs and nipples and babies and family and well it's breast feeding for christsake! Who shoves their tit in a random kid's mouth without at least asking said kid's Mother first? (Wow that sentance would be SO wrong if taken out of context.)

Mother number 2 apparently lost her shit.

Mother number 3 was ushered out of the house at a rapid pace. It was excruciatingly awkward and none of the girls have been able to speak since.

I don't think I would recover from that type of thing either.

Am I being a weirdo? I totally accept it if you think I am.. Perhaps I am not as open minded as I thought I was..

How would you react if this was your child?

*Jill, Misty and Timmy's names have been changed to protect their dignity and identity.


In totally unrelated news I have a new facebook page here:"Like" Em here (I know what a wank huh?)

I also have a live show in Melbourne this Saturday night, it involves stories like this one and some singing. Come along if you can. Info here:  Em's live show info

I'm of course worried the room will be empty so tell your friends!

E x

Darlings,

I have a new facebook page. Please come across and "like" me.. God I feel like a massive wanker typing that.

It will at least allow us to communicate is a more meaningful way!

Em's facebook page.

Thanks.

Em x

PERTH SHOWS HOORAY!

Darling Perth,

Oh how I've missed you. I am coming back for a weekend fling, we need to spend some time together. I have 2 shows happening at the amazing Bamboo. Please come along, we shall sing, dance and drink under the stars.

Ticket info here:

http://www.luxebar.com/bamboo/tickets/

I am very excited to see you all once more.

Em x

I'm sorry. This won't take long..

Please forgive me for what I am about to tell you.

Try not to let your eyes roll out of your head when you read what I have done.

We can get through this you and I, I promise.

I have broken up with friends for less so I understand what you are about to feel towards me.

Here goes.

I am on a health kick.

I have been exercising, a lot.

It's been about 8 weeks now and God help me I feel good.

It gets worse, I look forward to my daily run and my twice weekly "strength" session with my *trainer Dean - aka the dark lord.. (*I know I used the "T" word.)

If it makes any difference he is an ex stripper! He once belonged to a "dance troupe" called "Bad Boyz" so at least he's got pizazz. Picture a huge chunk of a man with brown hair and deeply tanned skin. He's in his mid forties and gets around in high waisted, tight, black silky tracksuit pants. He minces about the gym in a manly fashion (it's possible picture Paul Mecurio in Strictly ballroom.)
You can tell Dean knows how to do a decent pelvic thrust.

I am attributing my newly acquired fitness to my ability to deal with the challenging time I have been going through mentally. If it weren't for the endorphins produced by the exercise I think I would have tattooed something by now or spent thousands of dollars I don't have on an antique "saddle leather" chesterfield couch. (I still may, just checking the dimensions of the space I wish it to fill..)

Usually I switch off and wish death upon someone when they start taking about their "amazing new diet" or how many "pump" classes they've done that week. Exercise braggers do my head in, you know the ones - they check into their gym on Facebook. When you ask them how they are they complain about how sore their calves are from Zumba (vomit).

I haven't become one of them but I have joined their cult, I pledge to remain a silent member.

I purchased a running "app" on my iphone and this lovely lady with an English accent coaches me through my walk/jog/sprint program. It really does help, having that polite voice say to me "keep going you've only got 15 seconds more to run and then we're half way" makes all the difference. I also like how she refers to it as "us" like her and I are in this thing together.

I am deliberately making this a very short post as I wish to limit the amount of damage I am doing to your opinion of me.

I just wanted to say if you've been feeling a little flat recently or out of control it could be as simple as strapping on your runners and working a sweat up. Those lunatics who preach the exercise gospel are unfortunately onto something. Disappointing isn't it..

 Sorry.

 Let us never speak of this again.

 Em x

P.S.

If you're in Melbourne town this Sunday night I am singing a couple songs at The Toff, it's a nice early one so you'll be home tucked up at a reasonable hour as it is a school night.

Details here: Em's Toff gig.

The picnic birthday thing. A story by Odette (Em's 4yr old)

My 4 yr old daughter asked me "Can you type a story on your Puter that I have in my brained?"
"Of course I can!" I exclaimed, so I grabbed my laptop and the following is EXACTLY what she said. Word for glorious word..

Once upon a time there was a dog named Toby.
He lived in a family and Odette wasn't strangling Toby.

One day Mummy comed along and she said we can have a picnic outside and then Daddy comed along and he wanted to come to the picnic too and then Sienna comed along and then Paige camed. They started the picnic together then Toby comed along..

Well, then this um... Big sparkly unicorn called Harry Potter comed along and he was a very nice horse he wanted to share the picnic with us.

At the picnic there was fireworks, then an owl camed along and took Mum's apple because he didn't have any food at his house. The apple he took was poisoned like in Snow White. A werewolf had poisoned Mum's apple but lucky the owl tooked it so Mummy couldn't get dead.


The owl got dead. Then his brothers and sisters and his Mum comed along and took him to the doctors and then the doctors fixed him so he is all better and not dead anymore.


Back at the picnic we were playing hide and seek, tiggy and Hyackie home. We saw lots of flowers in the land and then the Daddy unicorn comed along with the brother and sister unicorns. Then it started to rain so we went inside the end.

Up coming gigs!

I'd very much like to see some of you at a couple gigs I have coming up.

I don't do them all that often due to the children and my other work so it's always a treat to get out of the house, don a leotard and sing my heart out. I also throw in a few interesting stories along the way.

The first one is on the 11th of September at The Toff in the city. It's a preview show of my "The Saintly Bitch Sings" show (info below). I am there to support a friend of mine, the fabulous Hans and his backing dancers the "lucky bitches". Here is the link for the ticket info..

Em's Toff gig info


The second gig is the big one. I'm doing my own show for a whole hour for "Butterfly at trades."
It is a 150 seat venue so first in best dressed I'm afraid. I shall have glitter cannons a wind machine and the worlds most temperamental fog machine. I would love to have you all there, well 150 of you at the very least! Trades hall is in Carlton and I am playing in the new ball room.
show and ticket info here:

Em's Butterfly at Trades gig info

Thanks very much you wonderful people.

E x

Taylor Lautner and the screaming girls.

Two security guards, thousands of screaming fans, waving, smiling, witty banter, a chat with a world class celebrity and NOW LOOK AT ME! Home, surrounded by bloody washing and school lunches to make with no bread in sight.

Tonight, briefly I lived both sides of the coin and I have to admit I don't mind my side so much now.

Let me take you back a few steps.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Taylor Lautner:

For the uninitiated, ugh. I can't believe I have to explain this to you. Taylor Lautner plays Jacob Black in the HUGELY successful Twilight Saga. He is a Werewolf, who am I kidding?! He is THE Werewolf. If you haven't heard of him chances are you are a straight male or too highbrow. 

Basically, Twilight fans are either team Jacob or team Edward (who is a vampire). That's all I'm giving you, go and google it if you're desperate to know more. You get the gist, he's hot. The late Gen Y/ early Gen Z's Tom Cruise (pre-couch jumping days.)

I am a huge fan of the Twilight series, so when offered the gig to host the red carpet for Taylor's new movie "Abduction" I obviously fell over myself at the chance. Then let me take you to the moment I found out I was going to interview him on the red carpet - more falling over followed by a lot of sweating, gushing, phone calls to my gays and so on and so forth. 

Tonight was the night. I was worried on a few levels. First of all big hollywood stars usually go one of two ways. They're either super dooper nice, generous and friendly or massive wankers. Usually the really established actors are the most delightful and the young up and comers give you grief. I know right? It should be the other way around. Taylor is a young up and comer so I was worried. 

Secondly "Twilight" offers me intense, free, escapist therapy. I was concerned that if he disappointed me in any way I would no longer be able to loose myself in "Forks" and hang out at the "Res" with the "pack." (None of that will make sense if you haven't read Twilight, if you have you are right there with me aren't you?!)

When I arrived at the Cinema where the event was to be held there were already hundreds of tween and teenage girls milling around. Supre must have been cleaned out this week 'cause all the girls looked shiny and new. As I walked up the red carpet wafts of impulse body spray assaulted my nostrils."Merry musk" and "Honey due" mixed incompatibly together. Their mouths full of hardware and their eyes full of hope that maybe, just maybe, Taylor will pick them out of the crowd and want to marry them. 

Any time anyone remotely resembling the male species went within a one meter radius of the red carpet the screaming began. Oh the screaming, let us talk about the screaming. If a hundred monkeys rang a hundred bells and inside each of those hundred bells were a thousand tiny microphones - so we're talking 100,000 microphones amplifying the hundred monkeys ringing those bells ( I chose Monkeys because they too screech like teenage girls. So whack that into the symphony of terrror that was going on.) You wouldn't even come close to the high pitched ear bombs being dropped. Jesus H Christ I thought I may die from it. 

I had to entertain these ladies, odd gay man and supportive Father for an hour; it was like being sent into battle. The enemy wore shit loads of lip smackers and were wielding "Australis" painted talons and rainbow coloured sharpies. I've had some tough gigs in my time but this had to be up there with the time I sung the national anthem at a Danny Green fight after half the crowd had been evicted by the riot police for wearing their gang colours.

I took it head on. I skipped up and down that carpet like I'd never skipped before friends. I gave them jelly beans, movie passes, impersonations and unconditional love. I dare not judge the Mothers grasping their daughters crying and the prospect of meeting someone 20 yrs their junior. No! I celebrated those creepy Mums because I too am a creepy Mum!

Finally after I could pad no more, he arrived! I braced myself for the screaming, I knew it would come like a tidal wave. I held on to my security man and waited.. Then, ABSOLUTE SILENCE! The girls were so beside themselves they forgot to scream. I couldn't believe it, they were so well behaved bless them all.

To his credit Taylor posed with pretty much everyone. It took him 35mins to walk the 80m red carpet. He signed autographs. he embraced Mothers and daughters alike, he behaved in such an impressive manor I was able to relax and take in the fact that I WAS ABOUT TO MEET HIM!

His publicist lead him over to me and I introduced myself: "Hi I'm Em" (brilliant huh?).  He took my hand and said "Hi, it's really nice to meet you." I then said "Are you alright, you must be tired and perhaps a little deaf by now?!" (Good Em, really slay him with your wit..) "I'm great, I'm so glad they're all here."

Then we took to the stage. 

It was a blur of screaming, laughing, sweating and shouting and that was just me... He was gracious, generous and very giving. We'd call him "good talent" in the biz.

It was all over very quickly and then I was escorted back up to the green room to gather my things. 

I saw him again on my way out and he put his hand on my arm, rubbed my back and said "That was awesome, you were awesome, thank you so much. It was really easy." With that he was whisked out a back entrance into a waiting limo and I walked myself to the train station... 

So here I sit in my PJ's, make-up scrubbed off eating a block of pecorino cheese on its own and I feel happy. I don't know how he copes with all that SCREAMING and the publicists and the constant scheduling of his young life. He can have it,  I'm happy just to dip in and out and then walk to the train station after.

My Twilight fantasies are well intact as he is ridiculously good looking, kind, open and taller than I expected. Well played Taylor, well played. 

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