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Monday, September 6, 2010

Having sex with a watermelon is tough. So is love.

Relationships are tough. I don't care if you're married, de-facto, gay, straight or into fruit (seriously, there are people who get intimate with watermelons, I've read about them) 

My husband and I celebrated 10 years together this week, I use the term “celebrated” loosely as it involved seeing Scott Pilgrim vs the world and a visit to the veggie bar for lunch. Yep we really let the bell ring this year.

No presents, he didn't even manage a card. I did.

That's he and I in a nutshell (I always think of that scene from Austin Powers when he 's acting out being in a nutshell saying: “this is me in a nutshell - how did I get into this nutshell”?... I digress) 

I'm the card giver, sometimes even maker. He's the “every occasion has been made into a commercial money making exercise” non card giver.

I'm not saying he's NEVER given me a card however more often than not said card has been purchased the day before under duress. 

I once had ideals on how I felt a man and woman should behave towards one another in a relationship. They were killed and destroyed by my husband. Burnt, mutilated, murdered twisted and spat out into un-recognisable forms of their original selves... Laughed at, humiliated, forgotten...Ok I'll stop now.

That was lesson one in keeping my relationship alive. Expectations will inevitably lead to disappointment. I had to rapidly adjust my need and want for romance, it just isn't Scotty's schtick. 

A friend of ours, Cameron Schwab who happens to be the CEO of the Melbourne Footy Club and a good friend (I hope I didn't hit anyone with that name I just dropped) is convinced we should have our own reality TV show such are our differences. Cam knows us both pretty well.

My husband is a surfer, struggles with most commercial things and is a non-conformist at heart. He knows every Radiohead song, would leave me for Bjork/PJ Harvey and knows that Beck releases a “commercial” album one year and a personal album the next.  He refuses to wear anything with a label on it (in fact ignores fashion all together), avoids night clubs like the plague and thinks musicals are an unfortunate waste of time. Unintentionally; he's the coolest person I know. 

I fear sharks, feel suicidal at the mere thought of a Thom York penned song, was on reality tv and hosted breakfast radio for commercial  radio giant Austereo. I think Bjork is more mental than I am, love fashion (one of the highlights of my life being a trip to Paris to buy a Coco Chanel bag I'd been saving for my whole adult life). I'm a pop music enthusiast, sing at night clubs and had learnt the entire Disney musical back catalogue by the age of 10.

Yep, we're very different. Spare me the “opposites attract” bullshit because it is just that – bullshit.
I saw Scott and thought he was a hot piece of ass. He had a hard body, husky voice and was ridiculously smart. That's why I went after him initially, not because he had the character traits and qualities that I lacked. That was just bad luck! 


I fell pregnant with my first daughter only 5 moths into our relationship. We had just moved into a one bedroom unit in St Kilda and I was training at a very high level with Olympic aspirations - he had just started work for the Carlton Football club. Our relationship had a baptism of fire, our honeymoon period got blown to shit and all of a sudden we were faced with becoming parents. I don't know how we made it but we did.

I am proud of my relationship but it's been ridiculously tough. Scotty and I fight ALL THE TIME ABOUT ALMOST EVERYTHING. It's been ten LONG years and I love him more now than ever.

For those of you who are asking “why the hell are you in this relationship Em” I'll tell you. My husband is an excellent Father, a really good bloke, smart, trustworthy, has a nice bottom and is kind to animals. 

If you're in a relationship and are finding it tough then what I want to say to you is stop trying to make it perfect. It NEVER will be. Re-assess your expectations. Has he/she EVER behaved in the  way you are pining for? If not, what the fuck are you doing to yourself?! Why are you expecting behaviours that have never displayed themselves before? Re-adjust, re-assess and ask yourself -can you accept it? I did, and I could. 

I didn't buy him a gift this year, first time ever. He didn't really care, I did however make it easy for him to get out of the house at 6am and go for a ride with his cycling nerd buddies for 6 hours. That means far more to him than a pair of Calvin Klein undies. I've learned that when I want to do something nice for him I should to do what he wants not what I want him to want. 

Happy Anniversary Husband, I love you just the way you are!

To you lot, have a fabulous week.

E x