Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Penis Paraphernalia Incidents
I think if we were painting with broad brush strokes we could say that there are two types of mothers in this world. Those who have Tupperware and those who don't. (I am not afraid of massive sweeping generalisations here folks)
Let me explain. Tupperware mothers are the MacGyver's of the parenting world, they have a solution and the necessary equipment to solve any crisis that may arise. Runny nose? Here is a freshly ironed vanilla scented hanky. Hungry? Here is a snack involving nuts and organic produce. Bored? I've put together this cross word slash sudoku involving endangered animals and the corresponding aid agencies that assist them – yes of course it's aligned with your child's learning development framework. Tupperware offspring will most likely speak a few languages and usually only allowed to watch the Nat Geo channel.
It may shock and surprise you to know that I do NOT belong to this elite category of Mothers. I wanted to join, and for a little while I had a few people fooled. I even purchased some Birkenstocks...It didn't last long, I was living a lie and everyone around me knew it.
My mothering is a little unconventional in that I don't have a fucking clue what I am doing most of the time. We go by “feel” in our family. Sometimes that works great... sometimes that leads to my girls playing “Snap” with gay porn playing cards.
Before I explain, I wish to point out that both my daughters are fabulously well balanced citizens who would would give someone a kidney should the situation call for it.
(Deep Breath) There have been 3 Penis Paraphernalia Incidents involving my daughters. Note to reader - once I get into it, that last sentence won't seem quite so offensive and “calling of department of children services” worthy.
The first P.P.I wasn't my fault amazingly enough. My eldest went to school one Monday morning and her best friend, had over the weekend, acquired a pen on a rope. This particular little girls father was a doctor....who specialised in sexual health....The pen was a penis, the little girl had said my daughter could borrow it. That is how she came home form school one Monday with a plastic penis pen hanging around her neck.
The 2nd P.P.I was innocent enough also. The morning after my hen's night (need I go on?) I was feeling a little, erm....fragile so I had put the girls down in front of ABC kids so I could have a little nap. I had been given various “hens” related gifts the night before and in my merry state had carelessly thrown them on the kitchen table. As I dozed on the couch I heard my eldest yell from the kitchen “Mum can I please use your new pink drink bottle” ( By now I think you've all about joined the dots right?) In my hazy state I yelled “yep sure bloss” not entirely sure which pink drink bottle she meant. Next thing I know, in walks my lovely girl unknowingly drinking water out of a novelty size penis shaped drink bottle.
The 3rd P.P.I was all my fault and could have been down right traumatising had it not been for some handy scissor work the day prior. I had purchased some gay porn playing cards so I could make an amazing birthday penis collage for one of my gay husbands (don't pretend like you haven't done the same...no?) I stupidly left them in the “making box” and of course the girls had found them. I walked in to find them playing a game of Snap. I will point out that I had cut each card from the waist down so in this situation no Penis's were actually present ( except for the logo on the back of the deck. However it was very badly drawn so could have passed for a sausage and eggs if pressed.)
When I investigated what was constituting a “snap” it turned out my clever girls were matching up occupations. Naked fire man with naked fire man and so on...
So that's it, this non-Tupperware mother has had 3 Penis Paraphernalia incidents and now you know about them all. I do wish to say that there was a considerable amount of time between each incident and we do not throw P.P. around this house willy nilly.
Have a great week, just do your best.