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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Oprah, Eurovision and world domination. Em 2011.

My year off is officially over.

Dear baby Jesus in heaven it went quickly.

I now have to find proper employment. Creatively, spiritually and finacially doing 10 minutes of television a week just 'aint going to cut it anymore.

Yes I have my children however as Miranda pointed out to Charlotte in the only decent piece of dialogue to come out of the flaccid Sex and the City 2 movie: "Being a Mother, for me, just isn't enough". To be fair there was another line in that movie which I quite enjoyed. Samantha proclaiming: "He can be Lawrence of my labia" but I digress.

Yep. I need more. If left to my own devices I turn all my creative energy into negative actions (spot the woman who's been to intensive counseling).

The only problem is... I'm not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I have a vague idea that involves Playschool, Eurovision and Oprah but other than that I am lost. 

I'm not really qualified to do anything except think fast on my feet, talk and wear false eyelashes. 

I don't even have a current resume. So I am sticking with what I know. 

I made a few (God forgive me for writing this) resolutions.... I know, I know, I'm sorry but that's what they are. I have decided to tell you all so that I can't hide from them. I'll leave it to you to harass me throughout the year if I appear to be deviating from the course (Feel free to leave me yours in the comment section and I will do the same for you.)

1. Sing more. - Happy to announce my first proper gig is happening on the 16th of Jan at the Mid-Summer carnival at Birrarung Marr. I'm on stage at 12:45 singing 4 songs with my guitarist. Just covers to start with, we have re-arranged Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse, Pink and Tina Turner. Please, if you can come down to support me I would most appreciate it. 

2. Get on the big kids table at the 7pm project - This is a tough one. I want one shot at the desk, not anything fancy like what the amazing Carrie Bickmore does, just a spot down the end. When Dave's having the night off. 

3. Attempt (I am shaking as I write this) stand up comedy... I am not a comedian, I do not think I am funny, I just like telling stories.. I thought I'd get up and tell a few. Weird shit happens to me, a lot. I thought others may find said weird shit amusing.

4. Take Acting classes - I'm hoping this will help me as a performer and help me let go of the crap that causes anxiety before I take to the stage or camera. I enrolled today in the beginners Meisner Technique course. Once a week for 8 weeks, I'm nervous but excited. 

5. Write a short book. I've been wanting to do this for a while now however my rampant dyslexia had always scared me away. In the end I thought I just need to find a really good editor to do all the heavy lifting.

6. Finish writing my one woman cabaret show. It's almost done, I just need Michael Lucas (Click here for Gays of Em's life reference point) to stop being so busy with "Offspring" and his new movie starring Ryan Kwanten (subtle plug) to help me perfect it.

7. Get back onto the radio - I think, out of everything, it's what I do least badly..

I will share something with you all now. 

I probably shouldn't. It makes me sound like a massive wanker. 

Only Michael Lucas knows this... (Yes I refer to him with both names in real life as well)

I am on the Oprah timeline. (I thought if I made it small it wouldn't look as bad)

I am acutely aware that she was my age when she started on cable. 

Eventually I wish to dominate the talk show world. I will be a mixture of Graham Norton, Dame Edna and Tony Martin. I have already spoken to Channel 31 about the campest talk show in the world... It could be happening. The big O started small, I must also. BUT IT MUST BE NOW!! Oh the pressure..

I'm aware this may be the most self indulgent piece of writing you've ever had to get through but let's move on from that! I had to put it all out there. 

Now the year of Em begins... Yes that's right, I just wrote "The year of Em".

Be bold this week kids.

E x

P.S - I am reading another fantastic book. It's called "A fraction of the whole" by Steve Toltz... I know I am a little late of the mark with this one and a lot of you have probably read it however if you haven't.. DO IT.


m said...

no resolutions to put out there, but just to say i'm loving this blog. good luck with the world domination.

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel. While my plans for this year are not nearly as grand as yours, they are certainly of a kind.

Let this be the year of D & Em.

stacey said...

my beautiful em I am so proud of you!!! and all of your resolutions! big things will be happening for me this year as well. I plan to learn my guitar thats been sitting in my room for a year, and work more on my song writing. I would love you to come back to Perth and sing. As well as all the other things you said act, stand up, world domination ect I think you are definitely capable of achieving it! I miss listening to you every morning in Perth. (I still think you should have won the cosmopolitan maagazine award over Jackie O haha ;) I look forward to hearing about your journey and hope you come back our way soon - stacey perth xx

Judd Exley said...

Hey sweetpea, your list looks awesomely attainable (with possibly the exception of the cabaret) and YOU were the only reason I listened to 92.9 here in Perth. When you left, that was that.

Also, the whole reason I'm writing (aside from telling you I've thought you were wickedawesomecool since we met at the Lotterywest playground once when we were both yelling for our children), is to tell you to Write That Book.

I'd had one inside for ages, and a buddy "challenged" me to meet a 5,000 word-a-week minimum for, say, 8 weeks. If I made it, we discussed how it went. If I missed it, he called me a "pussy". Doesn't sound like heaps of incentive, but it works. Just having somebody spurring you on is huge.

So, if you're going to do it, try to get a Writing Buddy. If you can't find any (loser) then I'll do it, because I think you rock socks of foxes. In fact, even if you could find somebody, I'd still want you to pick me because of said sock reference.

Here endeth longest comment ever.

Fiona said...

You know what, Em? I think I get you. I like the way you write; I think you're gifted at expressing what you're thinking and feeling.
Good luck with the world domination. I totally "get" the feeling that you have to start NOW or you'll never have time to accomplish all the things you want to do

brenton said...

first time reader, first time commenter.
Love the way you tell a story, do it on stage and you'll rock!
I'm opening my first ever photography exhibition next week. Just about sh*tting myself