Taylor Lautner and the screaming girls.

Two security guards, thousands of screaming fans, waving, smiling, witty banter, a chat with a world class celebrity and NOW LOOK AT ME! Home, surrounded by bloody washing and school lunches to make with no bread in sight.

Tonight, briefly I lived both sides of the coin and I have to admit I don't mind my side so much now.

Let me take you back a few steps.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Taylor Lautner:

For the uninitiated, ugh. I can't believe I have to explain this to you. Taylor Lautner plays Jacob Black in the HUGELY successful Twilight Saga. He is a Werewolf, who am I kidding?! He is THE Werewolf. If you haven't heard of him chances are you are a straight male or too highbrow. 

Basically, Twilight fans are either team Jacob or team Edward (who is a vampire). That's all I'm giving you, go and google it if you're desperate to know more. You get the gist, he's hot. The late Gen Y/ early Gen Z's Tom Cruise (pre-couch jumping days.)

I am a huge fan of the Twilight series, so when offered the gig to host the red carpet for Taylor's new movie "Abduction" I obviously fell over myself at the chance. Then let me take you to the moment I found out I was going to interview him on the red carpet - more falling over followed by a lot of sweating, gushing, phone calls to my gays and so on and so forth. 

Tonight was the night. I was worried on a few levels. First of all big hollywood stars usually go one of two ways. They're either super dooper nice, generous and friendly or massive wankers. Usually the really established actors are the most delightful and the young up and comers give you grief. I know right? It should be the other way around. Taylor is a young up and comer so I was worried. 

Secondly "Twilight" offers me intense, free, escapist therapy. I was concerned that if he disappointed me in any way I would no longer be able to loose myself in "Forks" and hang out at the "Res" with the "pack." (None of that will make sense if you haven't read Twilight, if you have you are right there with me aren't you?!)

When I arrived at the Cinema where the event was to be held there were already hundreds of tween and teenage girls milling around. Supre must have been cleaned out this week 'cause all the girls looked shiny and new. As I walked up the red carpet wafts of impulse body spray assaulted my nostrils."Merry musk" and "Honey due" mixed incompatibly together. Their mouths full of hardware and their eyes full of hope that maybe, just maybe, Taylor will pick them out of the crowd and want to marry them. 

Any time anyone remotely resembling the male species went within a one meter radius of the red carpet the screaming began. Oh the screaming, let us talk about the screaming. If a hundred monkeys rang a hundred bells and inside each of those hundred bells were a thousand tiny microphones - so we're talking 100,000 microphones amplifying the hundred monkeys ringing those bells ( I chose Monkeys because they too screech like teenage girls. So whack that into the symphony of terrror that was going on.) You wouldn't even come close to the high pitched ear bombs being dropped. Jesus H Christ I thought I may die from it. 

I had to entertain these ladies, odd gay man and supportive Father for an hour; it was like being sent into battle. The enemy wore shit loads of lip smackers and were wielding "Australis" painted talons and rainbow coloured sharpies. I've had some tough gigs in my time but this had to be up there with the time I sung the national anthem at a Danny Green fight after half the crowd had been evicted by the riot police for wearing their gang colours.

I took it head on. I skipped up and down that carpet like I'd never skipped before friends. I gave them jelly beans, movie passes, impersonations and unconditional love. I dare not judge the Mothers grasping their daughters crying and the prospect of meeting someone 20 yrs their junior. No! I celebrated those creepy Mums because I too am a creepy Mum!

Finally after I could pad no more, he arrived! I braced myself for the screaming, I knew it would come like a tidal wave. I held on to my security man and waited.. Then, ABSOLUTE SILENCE! The girls were so beside themselves they forgot to scream. I couldn't believe it, they were so well behaved bless them all.

To his credit Taylor posed with pretty much everyone. It took him 35mins to walk the 80m red carpet. He signed autographs. he embraced Mothers and daughters alike, he behaved in such an impressive manor I was able to relax and take in the fact that I WAS ABOUT TO MEET HIM!

His publicist lead him over to me and I introduced myself: "Hi I'm Em" (brilliant huh?).  He took my hand and said "Hi, it's really nice to meet you." I then said "Are you alright, you must be tired and perhaps a little deaf by now?!" (Good Em, really slay him with your wit..) "I'm great, I'm so glad they're all here."

Then we took to the stage. 

It was a blur of screaming, laughing, sweating and shouting and that was just me... He was gracious, generous and very giving. We'd call him "good talent" in the biz.

It was all over very quickly and then I was escorted back up to the green room to gather my things. 

I saw him again on my way out and he put his hand on my arm, rubbed my back and said "That was awesome, you were awesome, thank you so much. It was really easy." With that he was whisked out a back entrance into a waiting limo and I walked myself to the train station... 

So here I sit in my PJ's, make-up scrubbed off eating a block of pecorino cheese on its own and I feel happy. I don't know how he copes with all that SCREAMING and the publicists and the constant scheduling of his young life. He can have it,  I'm happy just to dip in and out and then walk to the train station after.

My Twilight fantasies are well intact as he is ridiculously good looking, kind, open and taller than I expected. Well played Taylor, well played. 

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A confession of sorts.

I think, un-intentionally, I have created a safe place for all of you to come and feel better about yourselves.


I imagine you must read how out-of-control, irrational, pathetic and flawed I sometimes am and think to yourselves "Jesus, I thought I had problems"... This is a public service I am happy to provide AND today is another such example of me falling on my sword. Get ready to love yourselves sick.


There is a very clear marker I have in my life that indicates how I am traveling. Where I am at mentally, spiritually and physically. For some of you this marker may be alcohol, chocolate or perhaps a lover. For me? It's Twilight.


Yep, go on JUDGE ME. I have transcended embarrassment over this one. Yes. There is a direct correlation between the amount of times I watch Twilight/New Moon or read the series and how I am getting along in life. What I am trying to say is: I love Twilight.


At first I resisted the Twilight saga. I'll admit, it was hard. I have had a love of fantasy novels and movies my entire life.
I grew up on The Never Ending story, The dark Crystal, Labyrinth, The Princess Bride, Flight of the Navigator, Xanadu, The Wizard of Oz, Willow, Edward scissor hands, Beetle juice, Star wars - you get the idea. I also obsessively played Zelda on my Nintendo and had a disturbing collection of unicorns and care bears.


For a fantasy nerd (Ferd) like me Twilight was a given. Alas, I let the more intelligent, highbrow literature loving friends of mine shame me into looking down on it like everyone else with a mild intelligence level or who was over the age of 16 did.


I would feign boredom when the young kids who worked at the radio station would pledge their allegiance to either team Jacob or team Edward and ignored the release of the first Twilight movie all together. It was on a flight between Dubai and Rome that in a weakened state I gave into watching the movie and since then, things have never been the same.


Fear not, for those of you who hate Twilight I am certainly not going to delve into the story line, which team I am on, or even mention the fact that I have pre-ordered Eclipse on DVD.
I am also completely aware the books are written by a 35+ year old Mormon woman living out her repressed sexual fantasies through her teenage fictional characters.


The main character Bella is a shit house role model for young girls. She requires CONSTANT supervision as she repeatedly lands herself in near death experiences and finds it endearing that her vampire boyfriend likes to position himself inches away from her face staring maniacally at her while she sleeps. I am well aware the text is not comparable to Austin or Bronte or even Enid Blighton however I DON'T CARE.


I watch it and read it so my brain can rest. It takes little to no effort to submerse myself in and as I am a romantic at heart it really is one of the greatest love stories I have ever been involved in. Edward says things to Bella that I think deep down a lot of us yearn to hear. Even though she is needy, clumsy, plain looking and of mediocre intelligence the glorious creature that is Edward loves her unconditionally for who she is on the inside. Trite yes but I feel something a lot of us can relate to. The fantasy that the goddess/god we have lusted after could look past our perceived imperfections and see our pure hearts and amazing intentions... or something like that.


When I'm feeling neglected by my Husband - I turn to Twilight.
When there is nothing on TV - I turn to Twilight
When I miss out on jobs -I turn to Twilight.
When I'm feeling flat - I spend the day in bed watching Twilight.


I've noticed lately I have been watching it a lot and have been dipping in and out of the books again.
It forced me to look at the reasons why. As I mentioned before, the amount I read and watch it directly correlates with the status of my life.  Twilight not only helps me escape it also forces me to address why I need to escape. BRILLIANT!


The moral of the story this week is as follows - If there is something you love that those around you mock you for, hold your head up high and tell them to feck off. I am surrounded by intelligent, hipster, self important, New Yorker reading, multiple degree holding wankers (friends that I love dearly) who take themselves far too seriously. I have let go of my attachment to what they think of my reading habits and instead of hiding my copy of "Breaking Dawn" inside my "Book of Longing" by Leonard Cohen (which by the way is an excellent book, some of the most beautiful poems I have ever had the pleasure of reading) I proudly bandy it around openly proclaiming my love for it.


My point is, love what you love no matter how daggy, low brow, cheap, tragic or embarrassing others may judge it to be. Who cares what they think anyway? I don't. I know that I have the love of a good man to keep me going.. Edward Cullen.


Be proud this week darlings.


E x