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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Dear God what have I done..

Who the hell do I think I am? I mean really. It all seemed like such a good idea at the time, something I could totally pull off. Now, I'm having anxiety and regret of such epic proportions I'm finding it hard to breath/sleep/function..

What have I done, oh I'll tell you what I've done... No, I don't think I can bring myself to type the words for fear of asphyxiating on the fumes of impending failure (dramatic enough for you?)

Oh all right.

You'll need to read this next paragraph in a fast high pitched slightly manic voice and try not to breath. (This is how it loops in my head)

I've booked in a venue for my one woman show and now I have to sell tickets and I'm afraid no one will turn up except Mum and Dad who will be there out of obligation. I'm also concerned that I will sell tickets therefore people will be expecting to be entertained only what if I can't be entertaining? What if my voice can't hack the grueling 8 pop songs a night? What if people find my stories self indulgent and boring? Oh God, what have I done.

Yes I'm aware this entire line of thought is self indugent. Yes I'm aware doing a "one woman show" telling stories about my life is pretty self indugent also but bare with me folks, I'm a woman ON THE EDGE.

I hosted breakfast radio for 4 years, I have interviewed Prime Ministers and Pussy Cat dolls. I am on live national television every week, I was a finalist on the most successful season of Australia Idol but I have never had to drive and be responsible for my own show. Now, after years of bitching about how everyone else gets it wrong I have put myself up for ridicule and judgement.

At the start of the year I made a few resolutions, if you feel so inclined you can read them here:

Orah, Eurovision and world domination - Em 2011

I am trying to stay true to these promises I made myself so I decided to take myself way out of my comfort zone and do this show.

Let me tell you all a bit about: "Em Rusciano - The Saintly Bitch Sings."

The show is my big haired guitarist Ryan (who gives me instant music cred due to the afro) and I on a small stage in a very cool performance club. I have 8 stories to tell and with these stories comes the pop song that helped define the moment for me. For instance, my very first dancing concert...

(Imagine me on the small stage, I will have my own smoke machine and Ryan sitting casually looking cool... Cue spot light)

"If Hitler had a female counterpart her name was Glenda Jean and she resided in the outer eastern suburbs of Melbourne and ran an operation called “The Glenda Jean Dance Academy”. Every Thursday and Saturday I would turn up with 30 other girls my age to be barked at by our all mighty leader. Why she went into working with children I will never know, I think she may have been more suited to a career in a Maximum security prison or slaughter house..

Glenda Jean's Mother Jean (how very Spears of them) played all the accompaniment for us on an old, decrepit black piano. It had seen better days and sadly.. So had Jean. 

Jean was a lovely lady, however she was the wrong side of 70 and sometimes wouldn't hear Glenda's cues. By sometimes I mean never.. Glenda took to violently whacking a large stick on the top of the piano to let her Mother know when to stop playing, this scared the living shit out of Jean EVERY TIME. This scene would play out at least 50 times a lesson:

Mum, stop. STOP!” - WHACK
Oh, heavens, Glenda you scared me”


Our annual concert was of course a highlight.. I religiously watched Young Talent time every week just dying to be like Dannii Minogue (Spelled with 2 n's and 2 i's- Hasn't she come up trumps in the end..Poor Kylie) so our yearly concert was a close as I got.

 It was also my first taste of drag queen like make-up. So much hairspray, so much lycra and sequins and the tantrums oh the tantrums.. My Mother still speaks in emotional tones of having to front up to “Costume Inspection” where you not dare make eye contact with Glenda Jean as she went over your offering with a fine tooth comb. If one seam, one rosette was out of place she would simply yell “not good enough” and the poor Mother would scurry off to try and fix the offending costume.

One year we did a saucy little jazz number to a song called “Black Velvet” 

The costume was a one shouldered leotard made of...Oh Yes.. BLACK VELVET.. Looking back it probably wasn't all that age appropriate to have thirty 9 year olds gyrating to this song on stage but at the time I remember feeling amazing."

End Scene... The music will start and I will give you all an acoustic rendition of "Black Velvet" complete with an exact replica of the costume I wore when I was 9. Don't think I didn't attempt to make that one fit me... Oh I did. It really didn't..

My husband is going to have me on a plate for admitting to everyone I am feeling less than confident in people showing up or even caring. He is all for the positive thinking and living in the now.
He tells me to only worry about the things I can control.. Saying that kind of thing to a control freak like me is pointless.

I am going to post a link to the tickets here:

I am not going to beg.. I mean I can but I won't... I can though.

Thanks for sitting with me in my hour of need.

I feel much better now, I can focuses on delivering a fabulous show and my 7 costume changes in an hour.

I cannot control who turns up or how they feel about it..

(I wrote all of that for the benefit of my husband who vets this blog however he won't read this bit as I have added it post vet)

E x


Anonymous said...

Awww - you'll be fine! I love the concept for your show - original and the costumes will be hilarious.
I live on the other side of the country so I can't make it...but if I could, I think it would make a great night out.
Break a leg, as they say!
- Kez

Judd Exley said...

If I were out there, I would show up with a flourish my dear.

And given that you're some sort of clone of my wife, I would do for you exactly what I do for her when she's anxietating in a puddle on the floor.

Point and laugh.

Then compose myself, apologise, give you a hug, and then start laughing again.

This process repeats until she joins in.

Marguerite said...

Em I would SO be there if I were in the same state! It's a bit far to get there from Hobart for the night...
Great concept; I am sure it will be just wonderful
all the best,

Seb said...

1) If you weren't worried, that would be a worry.
2) People with a third of your talent, humour and experience have successful runs of shows so really, they should be quaking in their boots.
3) From what I can see you have boobs. That's the men coming then.
4) Remember me when you're an adored uber-theatre-international-mega-woman
5) What do you mean you don't know me now?

Eileen said...

hey em.
this is a great post. it shows that thru all the high campness and hilarity, you are a 'normal' person who has fears and feels a little bit scared of whether your goals will be achieved or not and if not - is it a step backward and a fail? - or what therapy and years of learning has taught you... "oh well. i'll try again and make it better."
i am teaching myself this every day.

you aced midsumma - the major papers reported you a "hit".
i saw you at the Donkey wheel place during Midsumma and was so impressed. (apart from you losing your shoe and crawling round to find it!) the others there that night loved you as well.

you have to keep telling yourself that you have people out there who are interested in what you are doing, and you need to promote yourself in that positive way.

yes. i am a fan and will admit that i have a tiny crush on you - what lesbian doesn't? and i am happy to drive around in my car thru the streets of the city and promote your show! Seriously!!! and i will be coming to show and so will my friends. Eileen. x

EsseBee said...

Em, I discovered your blog a week or so ago, and I've been checking every night for more posts! So glad you're "back", and I realise you've been busy rehearsing (and making black velvet costumes?)
I'm in WA, but if I were over there, I would come to your show like a shot. Don't worry what people think (says the person who was 60 before she stopped caring what others thought). You'll be fantastic, and I agree, the concept is great, AND original. You don't see much of that these days (originality, or great concepts)

Vanessa said...

Blah Blah Blah.. When is it? I'm coming.. I think ur awesome ..nuff said =)

Mumma Bear said...

Charlie Sheen's 'stage show' (read wankfest) has preceded your show. Nuff said.
In complete honesty - I never considered myself a 'fan', but since stumbling upon your blog, have not been able to resist coming back every week to read your stories. So I have no doubt you will entertain the masses.

loz271822 said...

Im going to drag my hubby along :-)