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Monday, January 9, 2012

Single? Want that to change? THE DOCTOR IS IN! I mean me, I'm the doctor..

My two closest girl friends are single.

It's a God damn jungle out there my friends and if you're a single person reading this then you know what I mean. Ammiright or AMMIRIGHT! (We've all just high-fived via cyber space that's why your palm is suddenly throbbing.)

I am married. Being married is challenging. Too be honest, I'm not sure which of the two states is tougher.

I am going to talk about a few things from the perspective of a single woman because that's what I hear about day in/ day out from my two best girl friends. I am often the person they turn to for advice when things inevitably go wrong with a fella. I'm not sure sure why; it may have something to do with the fact I have tricked one into staying with me for eleven years but even then, I get that wrong so often I worry about the validity of my advice.

Also, I encourage you to take the following words from my brain with a massive grain of salt. I am a well know lunatic and get a lot of shit wrong, I don't think I have THE answer but I do have something for you to have a crack at.

I believe men aren't really ready to settle down until they are 30, of course there are going to be exceptions to this rule and I avoid making sweeping statement where possible but; on the whole, I stand by this opinion.

While I have my big arse broom out. I think women, given the right bloke are ready to nest and procreate by 22.

Why is this important, it's not really I just feel ladies in their 20's trying to hook up and settle with men in their 20's are up against it from the start.

Firstly, I wish to point out my love for the male species. This is not a male bashing piece. I. LOVE. MEN.

My closest friends are male, a couple straight and ten gay so let us establish from the outset : if you've got balls- I'm a a fan.

Of course, not all women want or need a man. Rah, rah women's lib and all that. My two do, so we'll be attacking things from their perspective if that's ok with you.

Both girls are hot.

Both are successful.

Both are good eggs. No bullshit. No bitching. If I were a bloke, I would lock both of them down ASAP.

Both want a longterm meaningful relationship.

BOTH HAVE A HABBIT OF PICKING ABSOLUTE DOUCHE BAGS FOR BOYFRIENDS.

I can walk into a bar or cub and spot the guys my two girls will target. They travel in packs of 4, wear expensive watches have huge biceps and are uber tanned. There is usually a lot of high-fiving going and it would be remiss of me not to mention the teeth, they always have SPECTACULAR teeth.

We all know these guys.

I wish to stop here and dwell on this type of bloke if you don't mind. I have a couple mates who play professional sport and fit the above description perfectly. I love these boys like brothers, they are good guys who are committed to their sport. They are kind, funny and loyal.

However, until they are finished with their sport or click over 30 I would't let my dog date them. I hear how they talk about women and see how they treat them and it'a pretty shocking. AGAIN this does not apply to all professional sportsmen or hot meat axes in general, of course there are exceptions to the rule but I am dealing in stereotypes here so let's push on.

Back to the bar.

Here is how things usually play out.

Friend  targets a bloke.

Eye contact is made.

Smart arse comments exchanged.

Drinks purchased.

Much talking at the bar, laughing, witty banter.

Dancing.

Drinking.

Cheeky pash.

Home. ( I have banned them both from taking randoms home on first meeting so they usually don't.)

Facebook stalking commences, photos analysed, friendship requested.

Facebook friendship accepted. Flirting commences via direct messages they miraculously end up at the same place the next Friday night.

Def con 1 pashing occurs.

Home for the sex.

Text messages exchanged during the week, drunk texts on the Thursday night, late night booty call.

Friend HINTS maybe they should do something in the daytime.

Bloke ignores this.

Things fizzle out.

Friend left wondering what the fuck went wrong.

This plays out over various time periods with sex being withheld for weeks or hours with the same result.

After grilling a few of my single, straight male friends I have been able to gather that the fear of commitment comes from the fear of missing out. Missing out on boozy nights with the boys, missing out on the next hot woman who walks in the room and not having the freedom to try and pick her up. Missing out on doing whatever the fuck they want which could involve sitting nude on the couch playing x-box for 8 hours straight.

So how do I combine my knowledge of both sides? How can I bring them all together so we end up with meaningful connections that don't result in boys feeling suffocated and girls crying alone in bed wondering what went wrong? Baring in mind there is multi-million dollar industry devoted to this very topic with eleventy millions books/tapes/dvds and seminars available.

Well, I have given it deep thought. It's not an original solution but it worked for me and I have had the girls try it recently and they are having good results.

Here it is.

When confronted with a potential romantic situation choose wisely and don't RESIST it or ASSIST it just let it happen.

No game playing, no dating rules, no deep analysis- just let it be. Expectation usually leads to disappointment.

Also, and this is the IMPORTANT PART: SAY what YOU MEAN and MEAN what YOU SAY. Then there can be no confusion, about anything.

That's it.

Choose wisely.
Let "it" happen naturally.
Be honest.
Expect nothing.

Before you come up with ten reasons why this won't work. Try it. Just try it.

Go into every new romantic situation with this intent. It puts you back in control, you will have the hand, you will hold the power of grey skull.

So, your homework for this week is to try this course of action. Then I wish for you all to report back.

Go forth my brave solders.

E xx








2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Here's my advice:

1) Don't meet guys at bars.
2) Don't choose your partner based on looks.

If you follow those two steps you literally cannot go wrong.

Leigh said...

Love this. You've basically summed up every night I've had out since I was 21. Given I'm about to turn 25, I'm kind of over it. However, besides meeting guys at bars (I'm not about to join a class/sign up for a course) I'm at a loss for how else to go about it - all friends of friends seem to be exhausted too.

I have been an advocater of similar advice though where I don't read in to anything unless a guy is telling me straight out that he wants to be with me and I can definitely say it works and avoids a lot of heartache. I'm just tired of meeting guys in bars and it going nowhere..